


To Drift

by lorenisnotcool



Series: Drifting [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Drug Use, Eating Disorder, F/M, First Kiss, High School, Kid Castiel, Kid Dean, M/M, POV Third Person, Stuff, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, Weechesters, eventual destiel, trigger warning drug use, trigger warning eating disorder, what do i tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-01-19 13:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1471696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorenisnotcool/pseuds/lorenisnotcool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Why do you always say that?” Dean looked over at Cas.</p><p>“Say what?”</p><p>“’As long as you’re happy.’ Why can’t you ever be happy?”</p><p>“Because I can’t have what makes me happy.” </p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To Drift

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I don't know if I'm going to upload everything else I have written, I want to see the reactions to the first chapter. I have a semi co-author on this. She helped me come up with a few ideas. I don't believe she has an AO3 account though. But yeah. If you like this first chapter please let me know! Feedback is greatly appreciated.

Castiel woke up at 6:30 A.M. to the sound of his alarm going off. He laid in bed looking up at his ceiling for five minutes before forcing himself out of bed and into the shower. Today was the first day of senior year.  After an eventful summer of Dean dragging him to parties twice a week, and sorting out his college applications, he was ready to finish his final year at Kansas High and go off to college.

            He finished getting ready at 6:55 and went downstairs to make himself some coffee. He looked at the clock to see how much time he had left. And he didn’t have a lot. So he finished pouring some creamer into his coffee, grabbed his bag and car keys, and headed out to school.

            The drive to the school didn’t take long. Six or seven minutes, if that. He pulled into the parking lot and parked next to Dean’s ’67 Chevy Impala. Dean was leaning against the hood of the car with Sam, his younger brother who was starting high school today. Castiel shut off his engine and stepped out of his car to join Dean and Sam.

“Hey Castiel.” Sam greeted as Castiel walked over.

“Hello Sam.” Castiel smiled at him. “Are you excited about your first day of high school?”

“No. Dean keeps telling me the Juniors and Seniors throw the Freshman in trashcans.”

“Don’t worry Sam that-“

“And you are first on my list!” Dean laughed, “Heya Cas.”

“Hello Dean.”

“You have coffee in the cup?” Dean asked and Cas nodded, “Great!” Dean took the cup from Cas and took a sip before making a displeased face and handing it back. “The hell is that?”

“Coffee.” Cas replied and took a sip.

“No that’s some latte shit or something.” Dean grimaced again.

“Not everyone likes their coffee black, Dean.” Sam announced as he picked his bag from the ground.

“Yeah, whatever. You got your schedule?” Dean asked.

“Yes Dean.”

“Text me if you get lost… or you get trashcanned because I wanna get a picture of that.”

“Dean don’t be so cruel to your brother.” Cas stated as he started to walk towards the front entrance of the school.

“Yeah Dean. I’m your only brother, you should cherish me.” Sam laughed as he walked into the school towards his first class.

“Be careful!” Dean shouted at him.

“You worry too much about Sam, he’ll be fine.” Cas added afterwards, taking another sip of his coffee.

“You worry too.” Dean nudged his shoulder.

“I do. But I know he’ll be fine at the end of the day. You’re afraid he’ll wander into the bathroom and won’t find his way out and he’ll get lost forever.”

“Do not.” Dean chuckled, “Who’s you first period?”

“Shurley. Your’s?”

“The same.” He stopped at his locker to put a couple of his books away.

“Let me see your schedule.”

Dean handed Cas his schedule and took his coffee again to take another sip.

“We have all the same classes except six and seventh period.” He looked up at Dean to find him nodding and taking another sip from Cas’ coffee, “I thought you didn’t like it.” Cas smirked and handed Dean back his schedule.

“I need to wake up, even if it’s pretty shitty.” Dean closed his locker and handed Cas back his, now empty, cup of coffee.

“Dean! This was half full when I gave it to you!” Dean laughed and walked into their first period class.

* * *

 

They had been friends since the age of six. Cas had just moved into town and the Winchesters’ came over to welcome the new neighbors. It was only Mary and Dean that showed up the first time, bringing over a basket of homemade muffins.

“Hi, I’m Mary Winchester and this is my son Dean. We live across the street. We just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.” She gave a soft smile and handed the basket over to the new neighbors.

“It’s nice to meet you Mary, and Dean. I’m Hester and,” Two boys around the age of ten ran out the door and into the front yard, “Those are two of my sons, Michael and Balthazar and-“

“Mama, are we gonna eat lunch soon?’ A little boy with black hair and piercing blue eyes asked from behind her.

“And this is Castiel. He’s my youngest. Sweetie, can you say hello to Mrs. Winchester and Dean?” Cas looked at the two strangers and instantly froze.

“Hi Castiel.” Mary smiled at him. “How old is he?”

“He just turned six last week.” Hester answered.

“Dean is six! What school are you sending him to?”

“Parsons elementary. He’s a little nervous about starting there. But I told him there’s nothing to worry about.” Hester gave a soft smile and ruffled Castiel’s hair.

“Dean goes there as well. Dean, do you think you could show Castiel around on his first day?” Dean nodded.

“I’m being so rude! Do you two want to come in?” Hester asked.

“Oh no it’s okay. You’re probably still unpacking. We wouldn’t want to impose.” Mary answered.

“It’s no trouble! Maybe the boys can get to know each other.” She smiled and opened the door wider for them to come in. “Castiel why don’t you show Dean your room?” Castiel stared at her wide eyed and then nodded.

“It’s up the stairs.” He said to Dean and started walking expecting Dean to follow. And he did. “I don’t have a lot of toys out. Mama has to finish unpacking them. She won’t let me cause she says I’m too little.” Dean still hadn’t said anything but followed along with Cas. “Do you talk? Cause you’re being really quiet and it’s making me uncomfortable.”

“You use big words.” Dean said as they entered the room.

“Mama has me read a lot. She wants me to have a wide vocabulary like Michael.” Cas pulled some cars and legos out of his toy box and sat down on the floor.

“Oh. I have a brother. But he’s little. He’s two and he can count to ten. He’s really smart.” Dean sat next to Cas.

“Do you like cars?” Cas asked handing Dean a green car. “Here you can use this one, since it’s the same color as your eyes.”

“Why do you have a red car? Your eyes are blue.” Dean accepted the car and began rolling it on the floor.

“I don’t have a blue car anymore. Balthazar threw it out the window on our drive over here.” Cas added with a hint of sadness in his voice.

“I’ll get you a blue car. If you want.” Dean drove his car into Cas’.

“Okay.”

That’s where it began and from there on they were inseparable. When Dean left, Cas told Hester about his new best friend and Dean promised to show him the park up the street. He begged for his mom to let Dean come over again. And she agreed and called Mary, telling her how much Cas wanted Dean to come over, and Mary told her she’d been going through the same thing.

They spent the night at each other’s houses every weekend. Cas met Dean’s father John, who helped them build a tree house in the Winchester’s backyard when they were seven. Dean met Cas’ sister Anna the next time he came over. She was a year older than them. Dean told Cas he thought she was really pretty.

_“But you’re my friend. You can’t like her in that way.”_

_“Yes I can. I won’t leave you or anythin’, Cas.”_

* * *

 

When they were eight, Cas told Dean he had a crush on a boy.

_They were sitting in the tree house one day after school._

_“Dean. I like Aaron.”Cas said while looking through a comic book._

_“But, Aaron isn’t a girl.”_

_“I know.”_

_“But you still like him?” Dean questioned._

_“Yes. Is that okay?” Cas sounded cautious._

_“Yeah I guess. But I wouldn’t tell him if I were you. Aaron likes girls. And I don’t want you getting hurt or nothin’.”_

_“Okay I won’t.” Cas put the comic book down and walked over to Dean and sat down next to him. “Dean?”_

_“Yeah Cas?” Dean put his comic down as well._

_“Are you still my friend? Because I like boys.” Cas looked down at his hands._

_“Yeah of course, Cas. Just cause you like boys doesn’t change anything.” Dean smiled and nudged his shoulder._

_“Okay. Good.”_

* * *

 

When they were ten Dean kissed Cas.

It started out when Dean had asked Cas if he had his first kiss yet.

_“No. I haven’t. Why?”Cas put down his Harry Potter book._

_“I dunno. I just wonderin’.”Dean pulled up the ladder to the tree house so Sam couldn’t come up._

_"Have you?” Cas asked._

_“No. I’m kinda nervous.” Dean admitted._

_“Why?” Cas came over and sat next to Dean._

_“Cause. People say first kisses are always awkward and stuff.”_

_“Who says that?”_

_“I don’t know. People.”_

_“Oh. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it.” Cas looked ahead at the wall in front of him. It was filled with pictures of them and posters of their favorite movies and shows._

_“We could be each other’s first kiss.” Dean blurted out._

_"What?”Cas slowly looked at him._

_“I mean. If you want. Just so it’s not awkward when we kiss someone else. We would’ve already had our first kiss and stuff.” Dean rambled._

_"But you don’t like boys Dean. It’d probably be weird for you.” Cas looked away and back at the wall._

_“I never said I liked you that way. You’re my best friend and I’d rather it be weird with you than someone else.” Dean looked down at his hands._

_“Okay.” Cas said softly._

_“Really?” Dean looked at him. Cas was looking down at his lap, trying to avoid eye contact with Dean._

_“Yeah. If I’m gonna have a first kiss I guess it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for it to be with you.” He picked his head up and looked at Dean._

_“Okay.” Dean said and still looked at Cas._

_“What do we do?” Cas asked._

_“We’re supposed to lean in and close our eyes.” Dean scooted closer to Cas._

_Cas swallowed and nodded. He leaned in closer to Dean so their faces were only inches apart. Dean closed the rest of the space between them._

Though the kiss lasted for about 2 seconds, it felt like two hours to Cas. He’d waited since he was six for this moment. He’d never admit that to Dean though. Dean liked girls. And girls only. Cas knew that.

That’s why when he kissed Dean he knew everything was over for him.

He was in love with Dean Winchester.

* * *

 

“Are you coming over on Saturday?” Dean asked as they sat down for lunch.

“Don’t I always come over on Saturdays?” Cas replied, setting down his lunch tray.

“Yeah. I was just making sure.”

Cas began to pick at his food and eventually pushed the tray away.

“Not uh. Eat.” Dean said around a mouthful of food.

“Dean it’s disgusting. I’ll eat when I get home.”

“No,” Dean pulled the tray back towards Cas. “You’ll eat now at lunch. Did you even eat breakfast his morning?”

Cas shook his head and ripped a piece of bread from his hamburger bun.

“Cas, you okay?” Dean looked him.

“I’m fine Dean.” He stuck the piece of bread in his mouth.

“No you’re not. What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s something. Tell me.”

“Dean it’s nothing.” Cas pushed his plate of food away again.

“When was the last time you ate an actual meal?” Silence. “Cas, just tell me.”

“Wednesday.”

“Wednesday? As in Wednesday as in five days ago Wednesday?” Cas nodded. “Jesus Cas. Something’s up. Tell me. Please.”

 _You started going out with Lisa Braden and didn’t tell me. You’ve been hiding it. You still haven’t told me and it’s been a week. Maybe longer. I found out through Jo. Not you._ “I was just nervous about school I guess.”

“Well don’t be. C’mon man, it’s senior year. You’re supposed to be excited! This time next year we’ll be off at college with college chicks… and guys. And we’ll be at college parties!” Cas smiled at Dean. “Alright, you’re coming over tonight and we’re ordering pizza so I know you at least ate dinner. Okay?”

“Okay mother.” Cas stood up and threw his plate in the trash. “I’m gonna go to sixth now. I’ll see you around four? Sound good?” Cas asked.

“Yeah. Sounds great. See you then.” He smiled at Cas as he walked away.

“Hey baby.” Lisa walked up and sat next to Dean giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Hey Lis.” He smiled at her.

“You wanna do something tonight? My parents have this business dinner and won’t be home until like 11. You could come over.” She leaned closer to him.

“God yes.” He smiled and kissed her, “Fuck, I can’t.” He realized.

“Why not?” She looked at him confused.

“I told Cas I’d hang out with him tonight.” He rubbed his hand down his face.

“Tell him you need to spend time with your girlfriend. I didn’t see you all weekend baby.” She pouted.

“I know. I just haven’t spent a lot of time with him lately.” He sighed.

“So he’s more important?”

“He’s my best friend Lis.”

Lisa sighed and rolled her eyes. “I get it. Maybe Friday night we can do something.”

“Yeah. That sounds great.” He kissed her again and stood up. “I have to go. I have football practice now. I’ll see you later, alright?”

“Okay.” Dean left to the locker room to go change and get ready for practice.

 +

Cas came out of seventh period, AP Biology, and walked over to put his locker to put his stuff away. His schedule this year wasn’t any different from last year; History, Calculus, Spanish, AP English, PE, AP Latin, and AP Biology. He had his schedule taped on the inside of his locker, alongside a picture of him and Dean from their first day of freshman year. Cas was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans that were loose on him and a blue button up that hung loosely on him. Dean had on a dark pair of blue jeans and his favorite gray AC/DC t-shirt on. They had their arms thrown around each other smiling. Dean didn’t know back then what Cas had gone through on their first day. Since they only had lunch together and no classes. But they were still both so happy.

“Hey faggot!” Cas looked away from the picture only to find Victor and a couple of his friends walking towards him.

“Victor! Wow, did I miss you over the summer! How are things?” Cas joked.

“Aw Cassy, did you miss me? Because I sure missed you.” Victor grabbed Cas by the t-shirt and pushed him up against the lockers.

“You know Victor, if people walk by they might get the wrong impression.” Cas laughed.

“Well we wouldn’t want that, would we?” Victor smiled and pulled Cas away from the locker, only to push him back into it, making Cas’ head slam against the locker. “I think that,” he pulled him off and shoved him towards Alastair and Azazel, who took Cas’ arms so he couldn’t move, “this is going to be,” Victor punched him in the stomach, “A very,” punch, “very good senior year.” Punch. “Leave him.” Alastair and Azazel dropped Cas to the ground and left, following Victor.

 “Fucking jocks.” Cas said to himself, coughing up some blood. He took a deep breath in and slowly got up leaning against his locker. He shut the door to his locker and walked over to his car, getting in and turning on the engine. Before pulling out of the parking lot he sent a text to Dean.

**Outgoing message**

**To: Dean**

**< 2:47>**

**Not gonna be able to come over tonight. Mom wants me to help her with some work stuff. Maybe tomorrow.**

He sent it and pulled out of the parking lot and went home.

 

Once Dean got out of practice, which was his sixth and seventh periods, he showered and changed. He went out into the parking lot and saw Sam sitting outside on the hood reading a book.

“Hey nerd, how was your first day?” Dean asked, ruffling Sam’s hair as he walked by.

“It was really good. Andy and I are in all of the same classes and I have Jess in four of my classes and lunch.” Sam slid off the hood and opened the passenger side door of the Impala and got in.

“That’s cool.” Dean pulled out his phone and saw a text from Cas.

**Incoming message**

**From: Cas**

**< 2:48>**

**Not gonna be able to come over tonight. Mom wants me to help her with some work stuff. Maybe tomorrow.**

He frowned at the text and replied.

**Outgoing message**

**To: Cas**

**< 2:57>**

**U ok?**

He clicked send and shoved his phone into his front pocket. He turned on the Impala and pulled out of the parking lot to go back home.

* * *

 

When they were fourteen Cas found Dean and Anna making out in the treehouse.

He’d had a tough day already. He got pushed around at school and his copy of the final Harry Potter got ripped in half. So he went over to the Winchester’s and climbed up the ladder to the tree house.

_“Hey Dean I got us som-“ He stopped  at what he saw. Anna, who was now 15, had her arms wrapped around Dean’s neck. Dean’s hands were on the small of her back. As soon as they heard Cas they broke apart._

_Cas couldn’t believe it, no well he could considering Anna was all Dean talked about now. But he didn’t think he’d ever walk in on them kissing, he didn’t think they’d be doing it in his and Dean’s tree house._

_“I, uh, sorry.” He stammered and started climbing down the ladder, only to miss one of the steps and fell. Not enough for to get seriously hurt, but enough to knock the air out of him. He quickly got up and walked towards the house and through the backdoor._

_“Hey Castiel, was Dean not-“ Mary saw Cas had dirt and grass on his back and he looked like he was about to cry, “Sweetie are you okay?” She wiped her hands on a dishrag and walked over to him._

_"I’m fine. I just, I need to go home. Goodbye Mrs. Winchester.” He wiped his eyes with his sleeve and proceeded to walk through the house and out the front door._

_“Cas wait!” Dean came in through the back door. “Where’d he go?” He asked his mom._

_“He left. Dean what happened? Why was he crying?” And then Anna came in behind Dean and she understood._

_“Hello Mrs. Winchester.” She gave a small smile._

_“Hello Anna.”_

_“I need to go home Dean. I’ll talk to you later.” She quickly left the house._

_Dean and his mom stood in the kitchen in silence until the front door closed._

_“Sweetie, what happened?” She asked, sitting down at the table._

_Dean shrugged, “Anna and I were in the tree house talking and then she kissed me so I kissed her back, and then Cas came up and saw us and he flipped out and left.”_

_“Oh hun, I think Cas might’ve been a little shocked and hurt that you and his sister were kissing.”_

_“What?” Dean looked confused, “Why? He knows I like Anna.”_

_"Dean, he’s your best friend. And that was his sister, I don’t think he ever expected you to act on it.”_

_“Oh.” Dean looked at the ground. “Should I go over and apologize?” He looked up at Mary._

_She gave him a sympathetic smile. “Not today, give him some time to calm down, alright?” Dean nodded. “You can help me set the table for dinner.” She stood up and went back over to the stove._

_Cas laid on his bed face down. It’d been thirty minutes since he saw them. He’d stopped crying about twenty minutes ago. But he was still upset. There was a knock on his door._

_“Come in.” He mumbled through his pillow. The door opened slowly and someone sat down his bed._

_“Hey Cassie.” Anna said softly._

_“What do you want.” He didn’t look at her._

_“I just wanted to see if you were okay.”_

_Cas sat up and looked her, his eyes were puffy and red, “You were just making out with my best friend, do you think I’m okay?”_

_Anna didn’t know how upset Cas was, but she didn’t think it would be this bad, “Oh Castiel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”_

_Cas squinted at her, “Know what?”_

_“About you and Dean.” She placed a hand on Cas’ knee._

_“What about me and Dean?” Cas questioned._

_"That you like him.” She gave him a small smile._

_Cas looked away from her. He focused on his knee. “I don’t like Dean. He’s my best friend.” He whispered._

_"Cas, it’s okay. I’m not gonna tell him, or anyone. I promise.”Cas looked back at her and nodded. “How long? I mean, have you liked you him?” She asked._

_Cas laughed, “Since the first day I saw him.”_

_“I’m not gonna do anything else with Dean. I promise.”_

_“What? Why not?” He looked at her._

_“Because you like you him. And I don’t wanna do that to you.” She nudged him with her shoulder._

_“I don’t have a chance with him anyways. He likes girls. And if you two really like each other, I don’t wanna be the one to stop that or anything.”_

_“Really?” Anna whispered._

_“Yeah.” Cas smiled at her._

_"You should talk to Dean. He seemed kinda upset when you left.”_

_"I will. I’ll go over later.”_

_“Alright.” Anna stood up. “Love you.”_

_"I love you too, Anna.” He smiled at her as she left the room._

_Dean was sitting up in the tree house looking through an old car magazine when Cas came up. Cas came over and sat in the beanbag next to Dean, neither of them said anything for a while. They just sat there._

_“So. You and Anna.” Cas finally spoke._

_"Cas if you don’t want us going out or anything we won’t. I don’t want you to be weirded out.” Dean replied._

_“Dean, do you really like her?” Cas looked over at him._

_"Yeah. I do.” Dean looked back at Cas._

_"Then if you really like her you should date her. Just don’t kiss her around me because then I’ll be weirded out.” Cas smiled at him._

_“You’re the best Cas.” Dean pulled him into a hug._

_“I know.” Cas hugged him back._

Anna and Dean lasted about two weeks before they both agreed to break up.

* * *

 

            It started when he got into high school. After the constant bullying and getting beat up every day, he started hating himself. He would go days without eating. He would tell his mother and Dean that he didn’t feel good.

            Dean didn’t notice until they went swimming one night. There was a lake a couple miles from their houses. During the summer they would meet up there late at night and go swimming. They’d stay out until three or four in the morning, whether it was them actually in the lake or sitting on the dock talking.

“I can see your ribs.” Dean said while they were standing in the shallow end of the lake.

“You’ve always been able to see my ribs.” Cas added.

“I know. But they’re more visible now.” Dean poked him in the side. Cas just shrugged. “Cas, are you okay?”

“I’m fine Dean.” Cas started walking out of the lake.

“Cas wait!” Dean tried running after him, but the water slowed him down. When he got out of the water Cas was already pulling up his jeans. “Cas, talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Dean.” He went to pull on his shirt but Dean stopped him.

“Cas, when was the last time you ate?” Dean grabbed his wrist so he couldn’t walk away. Silence.“Cas tell me.”

“Why do you even care?” Cas shot him a glare.

“What do you mean ‘why do I care’? You’re my best friend! Of course I care!” Dean tightened his grip on Cas’ wrist.

Cas scoffed, “Best friend? You hardly give me the time of day anymore Dean! You’re always hanging out with your jock friends or have a girl sucking on your neck!” He pulled away from Dean.

“Cas I-“ Dean started.

“Save it, Dean.” Cas started walking away again.

“Cas I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Dean started walking towards him.

Cas stopped when he heard Dean walking.

“Talk to me, please. I don’t want you hurting yourself. Just talk to me.” Dean’s voice cracked.

Cas turned around to find Dean with tears in his eyes. He walked toward him so they were only a foot apart.

“I’m so sorry, Cas. If I would’ve known what you were going through I could’ve helped you. Please just tell me what happened, Cas.” He slowly grabbed Cas’ hand.

Cas looked down at their hands and nodded, “Okay.” He whispered. They walked over to the end of the dock and sat down. Dean still held Cas’ hand. He explained that one of the sophomore boys started flirting with him and holding his hand when they were private, he kissed him behind the school when no one could see. Only to find out his friends had dared him, and they beat Cas up in the bathroom after a week of them “dating”. After that he started getting notes in his locker daily that consisted of “faggot” “homo” “fag” “gay boy” etc. It was basically the typical bullying story. He got his books knocked out of his hands; he was shoved in a locker at least seven times. And he had to go down to the nurse’s office 3 times. It still hadn’t stopped. This morning he was pushed down the stairs and was sent home because he had sprained his wrist and a bloody nose.

“Cas… Who’s doing this?” Dean asked, looking at him.

“It doesn’t matter Dean.” Cas said, looking ahead at the water.

“No it does, Cas! Who’s doing it? Tell me!” He stood up.

“Dean I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. The school year’s almost over. Then they’ll be juniors and I won’t see them anymore. Please just drop it.” Cas stood up and looked at Dean.

Dean’s face softened, “Are you sure?” He whispered.

“Yes.” Cas nodded.

Dean pulled Cas in for a hug. He didn’t let go, even when Cas thought it was time to pull away.

“Dean?” Cas whispered.

“I’m so sorry, Cas, I should’ve been there for you.” He whispered into Cas’ neck.

“Dean, it’s okay. You have your own life; I don’t expect you to spend every minute of the day fretting over me.” He hugged Dean tighter.

“I promise I’m gonna be there for you, from now on. Alright?”

“Okay Dean.” They pulled apart and Dean stared at Cas for a couple of seconds, before leaning in and kissing him. It was only supposed be for a second, and Dean didn’t expect Cas to kiss him back. But he did. Dean deepened the kiss. He was surprised when Cas’ tongue licked at his lips, seeking entrance. He complied immediately, sliding his tongue next to Cas'. After a few seconds Dean broke off the kiss and they stood there, staring at each other.

“I should, uh, go.” Dean whispered.

“Okay.” Cas whispered back.

 “Are you coming?” Dean asked.

Cas shook his head, “No, I think I’m gonna stay here for a bit.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later.” Dean backed up and walked away.

 

Dean thought about it the entire walk home. Did he just kiss Cas? Why did he kiss Cas? He didn’t even like Cas like that. Or did he? Fuck. Cas was his best friend and he practically just made out with him! He had to tell him that he didn’t mean it. He just got overwhelmed. He doesn’t like Cas, that way. _I’ll tell him tomorrow._ He thought to himself. _I’ll be lying to him._

Because the ever so straight, Dean Winchester, just found out he had feelings for his best friend.

 

+

When they saw each other the next day they didn’t mention this kiss. And they never did again. Dean got a new girlfriend, Rachael or Rhonda something like that, later that week. And him and Cas moved on. Acting as if it never happened.

* * *

 

Cas ignored Dean’s text. And his call later on that night. In all honesty he just wanted to be alone. But at eleven o’clock there was knocking on his window, and there was only one person it could be.

 _Knock, knock, knock,_ “Cas open up.” _Knock, knock, knock,_ “The curtains may be closed asshole but I can see your light on.” Cas walked over to the window, pulled the curtains open and pushed up the window. Once Dean started climbing inside he walked over and sat back on his bed. “God damn, it’s fucking August and it’s already freezing out there.” Dean said as he closed the window. “So what’s up? Why’re you ignoring my texts and calls?” Dean asked as he sat on the bed beside Cas.

“I wanted to be alone.” Cas shrugged.

“Well too bad, you had me worried, I thought something happened.” Dean lay back against the wall, looking over at Cas. “I know you didn’t have to help your mom. So what happened? Why’d you ditch me?”

“Like I said, I wanted to be alone, Winchester.” Cas shifted and laid down, his legs over Dean’s.

“Bullshit. Something happen at school?” Dean asked, putting his hands on Cas’ legs.

“No.”

“What happened?”

“Dean, please just let it go.”

“Did you eat when you got home?” Dean questioned slightly nudging Cas’ legs.

“No, mom, I didn’t.” Cas stood up and went over to turn on his TV.

“Cas you haven’t eaten since Wednesday, why aren’t you telling me what’s wrong?” Dean tried again.

“You’ve been going out with Lisa Braeden for over a week, why didn’t you tell me?” Cas turned around looking at Dean.

“I was going to tell you.” Dean looked down at his lap.

“No you weren’t. I found out through Jo.” Cas turned back around, putting a movie in the DvD player.

“Are we gonna fight over this?” Dean asked.

“No. I just wanted to know why you didn’t tell me.” Cas fiddled with buttons on the TV.

“I know you don’t like her. I didn’t want you to be pissed at me.”

“I wouldn’t be mad at you just because you were dating her, Dean. As long as you’re happy.” Cas pressed play on the movie and sat back down next to Dean.

“Why do you always say that?” Dean looked over at Cas.

“Say what?”

“’As long as you’re happy.’ Why can’t you ever be happy?”

“Because I can’t have what makes me happy.” Cas looked down at his hands which were folded in his lap.

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t. I don’t really wanna talk about it right now.”

“Alright. Fine.” Dean looked away from him and at the movie. “You deserve to be happy though. At least try, Cas.”

“I’ve already tried.”

“You what?” Dean looked over at him, shock overcoming his face.

“I dated a couple of guys over the summer. It didn’t work out.” Cas shrugged.

“Cas! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were busy at the auto shop. I was busy with them.” Cas smirked.

“You had sex with them! Cas!” Dean shoved him.

“We didn’t ‘have sex’ we just fooled around. Making out and sloppy handjobs. That’s it. There wasn’t any penetration.” 

“Stop talking I don’t want hear about it anymore.” Dean put his hands over his ears.

“Fine. Are you staying over?” Cas asked.

“I dunno. It’s already late, and you turned on a movie. So, probably.” Dean shrugged.

“Alright.” Cas said, and turned his attention to the movie. He turned on Star Trek considering that was one of the few movies him and Dean could actually agree on watching.

“So, you and Lisa?” Cas tried.

“Yeah. She’s great in bed. Really flexible.” Dean smirked.

“Okay, if you don’t want to know about my sex life, I really don’t want to know about your’s.”

“Jealous, Cas?” Dean nudged his shoulder.

“You wish, Winchester. Now shut up and watch the movie.” Cas laughed.

“You’re the one that started talking.”

“Shh. Star Trek.”

“Fine.”

+

Cas woke Dean up at six, so he could go home and get ready for school.

“Ten more minutes.” Dean mumbled from the other side of Cas’ bed.

 “Dean if you don’t want to be late, you need to get up.” Cas kicked him underneath the blankets.

“Mmm, I’ll skip first period. Who needs history anyways.” Dean rolled over so he was laying half on Cas and half on the bed.

“Get off of me, fatass.”Cas tried shoving Dean off, but had no luck.

“You love my ass.” Dean opened one eye and smiled at Cas.

 “Not when it’s crushing me to death.”

Dean rolled over Cas and landed gracefully on the floor. “Do I have any clothes here?” He asked walking over to Cas’ dresser, opening a drawer and looking through it.

“I don’t know. Why?” Cas pulled the blankets up more for the lack of body heat.

“So I can just get ready here and not have to go back home.” Dean pulled out a shirt and threw it on his shoulder.

“Dean you live across the street, not across town.”

 “I’m borrowing a pair of underwear.” He grabbed a black pair of briefs from the drawer. “I need pants.” He went into Cas’ closet looking for some.

“None of my pants are going to fit you.”

“I know I left a pair here. Or there’s at least a pair that are too big on you.” Dean pulled a pair off the hanger, “Found some! Now I’m gonna go take a shower. And you’re,” he turned around and pointed at Cas, “going to make us some breakfast and actually eat. You hear me?”

“Yes Dean.” Cas rolled his eyes.

“Good.” Dean smiled and left the room.


	2. Not your Fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd. Any mistakes are my own.

Dean and Castiel had other friends besides each other. There were times when Cas was busy and couldn’t hang out, or vice versa. Cas had friends in the debate club that he’d often hang out with. Like Charlie or Garth. He hung out with Meg Masters and Crowley McCloud too. But he never told Dean, considering Dean hated them with every ounce of his body since they were the school’s drug addicts. Cas had only got high with them only three or four times.

Charlie and Cas met the first day of freshman year. He had every class with her and they instantly became friends. Charlie was four months older than Cas. She had long red hair and a deep love for Harry Potter. Garth on the other hand, was somewhat… different. Cas liked being around him because he spoke the truth. And he always pushed Cas to go for what he loved. Cas considered Garth his best friend away from his best friend.

Crowley and Meg were the complete opposite. They were everything Cas usually stayed away from. But, high school changes people, so Cas strayed a bit. Dean was always with his football buddies or hanging out with his new girlfriend of the week. It sucked when your best friend was the hot blond socialite and you’re a bushy haired introvert. Cas didn’t mind though. He and Dean had separate lives. He understood that. He just didn’t know that Dean Winchester, his so called best friend, could be so much of an asshole.

 It was about two months into freshman year. Since Cas and Dean only had lunch together they always sat together. They told each other what was up, how their day was. “They,” referring to Dean. It was always, “So this new chick came to the school.” “At football practice yesterday.” “ When I was at Benny’s house on Sunday.” Cas liked talking about Dean’s life. But not this life. He liked hearing Dean talking about his future, or what grade Sam got on his last spelling test, or the movie his dad let him watch when his mom went to bed. This was a different Dean. Of all the ways to meet Crowley and Meg, he didn’t expect it to be like this.

It was lunch and before Dean knew about him not eating. He was going to go sit by Dean, like usual. But he wasn’t sitting at their normal lunch table. After scanning the crowd for the fourth time he found Dean sitting with his football friends. _Maybe Dean will convince them to let me sit there too._ He thought. So he went over to sit by Dean. And before he could sit down the quarterback, Victor Henrikson, noticed his presence and shot the other guys a look,

“Hey Dean, it’s your fag friend.” Victor said and the guys laughed. Cas looked at Dean and Dean turned his attention to his now very interesting food.

“Cas, you should go.” Dean said, not making eye contact. Realizing that Dean wasn’t going to stick up for him, Cas turned around to find another table. He could feel a lump rising in his throat, so he walked outside, not wanting Dean to feel bad. Not that Cas expected him to. Cas decided to eat outside, he went to the back of the school where there was an abandoned baseball field and some bleachers. He sat at the very top row of the old, wooden bleachers.

When he thought he was finally alone he let it out and started crying. And then he heard footsteps. He half hoped it was Dean. But when he heard voices saying, “Who’s that kid?” “Is he crying?” He looked up and saw the notable school druggies Dean had warned him about. Meg Masters and Crowley McCloud. He quickly started gathering his stuff to avoid confrontation.

“Wait up, kid!” Oh god, Meg was talking to him. He pretended he didn’t hear it and made his way towards the front of the school.

“Gonna ignore us now?” Said Crowley. Shit, shit, shit. He couldn’t escape now.

He’d only made it to the edge of the baseball field, which had a decent patch of grass. He turned around and found Crowley and Meg sitting down. So he sat down with them.

“What’s got ya down, Clarence?” Meg drawled, a faint southern accent peeking through.

“Why do you care?” Cas tensed.

“Well, we don’t. But this is our spot so why not make conversation?” Crowley added. The conversation didn’t consist of much. Meg and Crowley talked shit about each other. They asked about Cas but he gave them vague details. He found out they were step-brother and sister. They were Anna’s age, had a few bad relationships. But hey, who doesn’t?

They introduced Cas to an entire different world. He smoked, injected, snorted. Basically anyway drugs could get into his system, he did it. They never forced him into anything, only offered and nodded when he said, “No, thank you.”

But after five times, he said yes. It was only a joint, what harm could come from that? He eventually started asking for harder stuff. Something that could give him an escape. They’d ask him what he was escaping from, but he only shrugged and put whatever they gave him between his lips.

Dean never knew.

Cas kept it well hidden. He didn’t keep anything at his house. He would go over to Crowley or Meg’s if he needed something. He rarely talked to either of them at school. Whenever he saw Dean sitting by Victor, he’d go outside with them.

Yes, he felt bad for hiding from Dean. But Dean would kill him. Dean had his escapes. Girlfriends, football, family, work, Cas didn’t. His mom was hardly home anymore since she was working two jobs, Michael and Balthazar moved out the moment they turned eighteen. Anna eventually left as soon as she graduated to go off to some hotshot university. The only thing Cas had to let his frustrations out were drugs. And self-loathing was just not eating. He hated everything about himself, from the way his hair could never stay down, to the way pants were too tight or too loose. Having other friends other than Dean helped though. He was able to get away from Dean asking, “Have you eaten today?” “When was the last time you ate?” “Come over tonight and we’ll make dinner and watch movies.” He got it. Dean cared about him. But it would end.

He knew it would.

Dean had gotten scholarships from three universities already. One in Kansas, one in California, and one in Maine. He and Dean planned on going to the same college since they were kids, but Cas saw how happy Dean was when he got all those offers, and he hadn’t even played his final game. Three colleges by the time senior year started? That was something. Cas knew they would split up. Yeah sure, they’d still be friends. But the distance would separate them; they’d see each other for the holidays when they went home to visit their families. But eventually, Dean would get a girlfriend that turned into a serious relationship. And maybe Cas would meet someone too.

Someone who would love him back, and would treat him right. Someone he could see spending the rest of his life with, other than Dean.

They still had the rest of senior year to enjoy before they went their separate ways.

 

Dean had his other friends as well. Charlie was his friend too. Every now and then Charlie, Cas, and Dean would have movie nights. Dean loved those nights.

But Dean also had Jo. He’d known her since fifth grade. It was his first actual crush and Jo’s as well. They kissed in sixth grade and decided they were better as friends. Dean helped out at Jo’s mom’s bar. If they needed an extra hand on a Friday night he wouldn’t object. The tips were great.

Dean met Benny freshman year. And like Cas, Benny was his best friend away from his best friend. Dean got Benny a job with him at his uncle’s auto shop. Benny was on the football team with Dean and came over after almost every practice. The Winchester’s, especially John, loved Benny. Mary often got worried that Dean was trying to replace Cas. She cared for Cas like he was her own, and he practically was. Mary understood that Dean had other friends, but Cas was good for Dean, he made him a better person.

And then there was Ash. Dean’s not even sure how they became friends. The only thing Dean remembers is sitting in computer class when Ash sat down next to him and explained how to create a virus. Ash hadn’t left Dean alone since. Dean liked Ash, he really did. But if Ash had never come up to him, Dean and him would not be friends.

Dean also had a few friends from the football team. Not exactly friends, he never saw them outside of practice and school, but they were alright. He mainly talked to Victor and Gabriel. He had lunch with them every now and then when he couldn’t find Cas. Probably off with Garth and Charlie somewhere talking about nerdy shit.

Dean didn’t care.

Cas was his own person. Why should Dean care?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2!!! Next chapter is Sam/Cas friendship! I have five full chapters written and I'm starting on the sixth chapter. This fic will probably only be about 8 or nine chapters. But it's a part of a series! Okay. Until next time!


	3. It's Time

Sam Winchester knew a thing or two about his brother and Cas.

He knew they were best friends. And he knew they loved each other. Well more so on Cas’ part than Dean’s. Dean loved Cas. But he just didn’t know it yet.

Sam met Cas when he was two, though he didn’t remember it, he’d known Cas almost his entire life. When Dean was at work or with his football friends, Cas would come over and take Sam out to lunch or out to a movie. That’s what Sam liked, although Cas was Dean’s friend, he also treated Sam like he was his friend as well. Cas always understood Sam, considering they both had older brothers who were four years older than them. So whenever Dean tried excluding Sam from him and Cas hanging out, Cas would make him a promise that they would hang out later.

Sam found out that Cas loved Dean when Sam was going into sixth grade. Cas had just gotten his driver’s license so he went over to tell Dean. They had an entire day planned out, they were gonna drive to the next town over, which had a huge movie theater. They were playing an all-day marathon of the Star Wars movies.

So Cas pulled up to Dean’s in his mom’s Honda, he was vibrating with excitement. He knocked on the door and waited for Dean to come out. But he never did. He saw that his parents were gone so it was probably just Dean and Sam home. Cas opened the door and went up to Dean’s room to check if he was in there.

And he was.

Only there was a girl with her lips wrapped around Dean’s cock. They heard the door open and quickly broke apart. Dean’s eyes popped open and saw Cas standing there. He quickly shoved himself back in his pants and stared back at Cas.

“Cas what are you-“

“I, sorry.” Cas turned around and closed the door behind him. He heard them talking from inside the bedroom. Cas went downstairs and was getting ready to leave when Sam came out of the kitchen.

“Hey Castiel. What’re you doing here?” Sam asked.

“I was uh,” Cas looked at the floor, “Dean and I were supposed to go to a movie.” He shrugged.

“Oh.” Sam said. “Oh!” When he realized why Cas looked upset. “I’m sorry, Cas. I think he may have forgotten.”

“Do you wanna come?” Cas blurted out.

“Me?”

“If you want, I mean I still have the extra ticket and I really don’t feel like being around your brother right now.” Cas gave a cold laugh.

“Right, yeah sure Cas, I’ll come with you.” He and Sam started walking out the front door when Dean came down.

“Where are you going?” He stared at them. Sam didn’t say anything; he knew he really didn’t have a place to.

“I’m taking Sam to the movies with me.” Cas glared at Dean.

“But I thought you and I were going?” Dean scrunched his eyebrows, looking confused.

“Well, Dean, you seem to have other plans so I asked Sam to go.” Cas folded his arms.

“We’ve had this planned for months Cas!”

“Yes, Dean. We have. And you had some slut upstairs sucking your dick when you knew I was coming over!” Cas yelled. He turned his attention at Sam who was still standing there, looking at the ground, “We need to leave now to avoid being late. Goodbye, Dean.” Sam gave an apologetic look at Dean and walked out the door with Cas.

 

They went out for frozen yogurt afterwards. It may have been eleven o’clock, but who cares. Frozen yogurt is great anytime of the day.

“Cas?” Sam noticed Cas was poking at his yogurt.

“Hmm?” Cas didn’t look up from the strawberry he was twirling around the cup.

“Why are you so upset? I mean I know you guy had this planned for a while, but I just don’t get why you’re so upset, he’s cancelled on you before.” Cas took a moment and thought about, then shrugged.

“I just haven’t seen him a lot lately. He’s always with the guys from the football team, or another girlfriend.” Cas’ face scrunched down at his yogurt.

“Can I ask you something?” Sam put a spoonful of vanilla yogurt in his mouth.

“Yes of course, Sam.” Cas pushed his cup away and looked at Sam.

“Do you love my brother?”

“What? Of course I do. He’s my best friend.” Cas’ eyebrows knit together.

“No, I mean. Do you love him? As more than a best friend?” Cas adverted his gaze, not answering the question. “Cas, I won’t tell him.”

“I do.” Cas nodded, looking down at the table.

“Then why don’t you tell him?” Sam added.

Cas gave out a cold laugh, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Sam, but you’re brother isn’t gay.” Cas grabbed his trash and got up from the table.

“Cas! He needs to know!” Sam quickly grabbed his as well and followed after him.

“Sam,” Cas threw his trash in the trash bin by the door and began walking out, “that would only ruin mine and Dean’s friendship.”

“You don’t know that!” Sam following Castiel’s actions and walked outside too.

“Yes I do!” He snapped, opening the driver’s side door.

“Cas, Dean loves you too. You have to know that.”

“No he doesn’t, Sam. At least not in the same way I do.”

“Just think about telling him, Cas. Please?” Sam gave his best puppy dog eyes.

Cas rolled his eyes, “Fine. Get in the car so I can take you home. Your brother has been texting me non-stop since we left.”

 

They pulled up to the house at midnight; Sam tumbled out of the car, half-asleep. Cas unlocked the door to the house and Sam followed inside.

“Thanks for the yogurt and movie, Cas.” Sam mumbled while walking up the stairs.

“You’re welcome, Sam.” Cas nodded and smiled. He went to walk out the door before he was stopped with a hand on his shoulder.

“Where ya’ goin’, Cas?”

“I’m going home, Dean.”

“Stay here, your house ‘s far away.” Cas turned around to look at Dean.

“Are you drunk?” Cas questioned, tilting his head.

“Little bit.” Dean shrugged and smirked.

“You should go to bed, Dean.”

“Come with me.”

“I’ll take you to bed, but I’m not staying.” Cas put Dean’s arm around his shoulder and began walking him up the stairs.

“Why not?” Dean turned his head, looking over at Cas.

“I’m still upset with you.” They got to the top of the stairs, Cas turned to take Dean to his bedroom.

“Dunno why. It wasn’t even that bad.” Dean leaned more of his weight on Cas, sleep pulling him down.

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow.” Cas opened the door Dean’s bedroom and walked him over to the bed, tossing him down.

“Stay, please.” Dean tugged on Cas’ hand.

“Dean, I’m going home. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Cas pulled the blankets over Dean and began walking out of the bedroom.

“Cas. ‘m sorry about today. Please stay.” Dean mumbled.

Cas rolled his eyes and sighed. He couldn’t say no to Dean, “Fine.” He walked back over to the bed, “I’m not sleeping on the fucking couch so roll over.”

“So bossy.” Dean laughed and rolled over until he was lying against the wall, “You’re gonna sleep in your jeans?”

“You’re a handsy drunk, I’m not taking any chances.” He pulled up the covers and got into the bed.

“I won’t touch you.” Dean whispered, looking at Cas.

Cas looked back over at Dean, “I didn’t mean it like that.” He whispered back and then sighed looking back up at the ceiling, “Would it honestly make you feel better if I took my pants off?”

“It’d make you feel better too.”

“True.” Cas thought about it and removed his pants, pushing them off the bed. Dean rolled over so he was next to Cas again, throwing an arm over Cas’ chest.

“Night, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean.”

+

Sam finding out (more so getting confirmation) that Dean was in love with Cas took a lot longer. It was Christmas break of Dean and Cas’ senior year. All three of them were in Dean’s room playing video games; Sam was currently beating Cas and Dean by a mile. There was a knock on the door before Mary came in.

“Castiel?” She peeked her head in the door while Dean paused the game.

“Yes Mrs. Winchester?”

“I told you a million times honey, you can call me Mary or mom. Anyways, you’re still coming over for Christmas dinner right?”

“Yes ma’am, I am… I actually needed to ask you about that though.”

“What about it?”

Cas hesitated before saying, “Is it okay if I bring someone?”

Mary lifted an eyebrow, “Who do you plan on bringing?”

Cas cleared his throat, “I met a someone about a month ago and-“

“You met someone?” Dean interrupted.

“Dean! Don’t be rude!” Mary exclaimed.

“Sorry.” He mumbled.

“Anyways, yes I met someone. His name is Jordan. And I wanted to introduce him to you guys.” Cas gave a small smile.

“Of course you can bring him over! We can’t wait to meet him.” She smiled and closed the door. The boys sat in an awkward silence before Sam cleared his throat.

“Dean? Are you gonna unpau-“

“You met someone?” Dean asked again.

“Yes, Dean. I believe I just explained it to your mother.” Cas rolled his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because we aren’t that serious and I didn’t think it was worth telling.”

“Well it’s obviously pretty serious if you plan on bringing him over for Christmas dinner!”

“Because I wanted you all to meet him! I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal!”

Sam tried to get up and leave before Cas stopped him, “You don’t need to leave Sam.”

“Uh, well you guys need to talk so I’ll just,”

“No Sam you’re staying.” Cas gritted through his teeth.

“Right okay.” Sam went wide eyed and sat back down.

“I’m making a big deal because you didn’t even tell me about him! And you’ve been seeing him for an entire month! I’m your best friend; you’re supposed to tell me these things!”

“Well with all the time you’ve been spending with Lisa, I haven’t had the time to tell you!” Cas threw the controller and stood up.

“Don’t walk away!” Dean yelled, following him.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Cas yelled back walking out of the room and down the stairs.

Sam sat there for a couple of seconds before deciding to follow them both out.

“You’re being so immature about this Cas! Do you even like the guy? Or are you just leading him on like you did with every other person you dated!”

Cas turned around and faced him, “You said I deserved to be happy, so I’m trying to make myself happy, alright? So I will bring Jordan over for Christmas dinner and you will be polite to him, you will not give him any shit do you hear me? He makes me happy and I fucking swear if you do anything to scare him off I will end you, Winchester.” Cas growled before shrugging on his coat and walking out of the house.

Dean stood staring at the door, mouth agape.

“Well you pissed him off, Dean.” Sam laughed.

“Shut up, Sam.” Dean turned around and walked to the kitchen, Sam following behind him.

“Why did you get so mad in the first place? Aren’t you gonna bring Lisa over for dinner?”

“I broke up with Lisa.” Dean said while grabbing a soda from the fridge.

“What? Why?”

“Because I wanted to ask Cas out.” Dean whispered before taking a sip of the soda.

“Wait, what?” Sam sat down at the table, looking at Dean for an explanation.

“I was going to ask him out.”

“Like, on a date?”

“Yes, on a date. That’s what someone does when they like someone.”

“You like Cas?!” Sam said just a little too loudly for Dean’s liking.

“Would you be quiet? Yes I… like Cas.” Dean looked down at the ground and took another sip from his soda.

“No… you’re lying. You don’t just like him, do you?” Sam added.

“Shut up, Sam.” Dean started walking out and back towards his room.

“You love Cas! Dean looooooooves Cas!”

“Sam shut the fuck up!”

“Dean watch your language!” His mother yelled from upstairs.

“Sorry mom!”

“Dean this is great!” Sam smiled.

“No it’s not! Because he’s happy with someone else. And I told him to be happy. I can’t just walk up to him and say ‘Hey Cas, I’ve kinda loved you for a while and I know you’re going out with that Jordan guy but you should break up with him for me.’”

“But Cas loves you too! He told me!”

“Wait what?” Dean stopped.

“What?” Sam asked. He forgot he wasn’t supposed to tell.

“Cas loves me?”

“I wasn’t supposed to say anything.”

“When did he tell you?” Dean asked.

“Uh, a couple of years ago.” Sam saw Dean almost shrink in on himself, “What’s wrong?”

“If it was a couple of years ago, he won’t feel the same way anymore. He’s already gotten over me.” Dean started back up the stairs towards his room.

“No, Dean you have to try! Even if he doesn’t feel the same way anymore, you have to try!” Sam ran up the stairs after him.

“Sam, he’s with that other guy, and he’s happy. I can’t do that to him. He deserves to be happy, even if it isn’t with me.” He shrugged and walked into his room, closing the door behind him.

_They’re both so stupid._ Sam thought.


	4. Vampires Kiss

There were many things Dean knew about Cas. He knew that Cas liked to run in the mornings, and would often drag Dean along with him. He knew that Cas had an allergy to pineapple, but still ate it even if his lips swelled up. He knew that when Cas was 12 he broke his arm trying to climb a tree near the lake, and spent four days in Dean’s bed while Dean took care of him. His dad left when Cas was only five. Cas enjoyed rainy days the best; he’d spend them outside in the tree house or in his room listening to music. He brought a stray cat home when he was seven, but kept it at Dean’s house because his mother was allergic. Dean knew Cas didn’t like loud music, but he never complained when he sat in the passenger seat of the Impala, loud rock music playing in the background. Dean knew that when Cas had his first real boyfriend in high school, he ended up with a black eye and a broken heart.

In return there were many things Cas knew about Dean. He knew Dean hated exercise. He knew that Dean’s first real girlfriend in high school, was a bitch. He knew that Dean liked to play guitar when no one was around. Dean’s first job was delivering papers, and when he didn’t feel like waking up and delivering them, Cas would do it for him. Dean liked his coffee black; but if no one was with him except Cas, he would drink it like Cas. Dean cried over Bambi but made Cas swear he wouldn’t tell anyone. He knew that Dean’s father used to hit him. He knew that in tenth grade Dean tried to kill himself, but Cas came over just in time to find Dean still standing on the chair. They never told anyone. Cas knew that Dean hated how his eyes crinkled when he smiled, and he hated his freckles.

And now here they were. At Christmas dinner.

To say that things totally were not tense and awkward between Cas and Dean, was a lie. Dean was staring at Jordan with a death glare, Cas had kicked Dean under the table at least six times already, and Sam was trying to make conversation.

Cas and Jordan arrived around six, dinner was already prepared and Mary hurried them over to the table.

Jordan was about an inch or two taller than Cas, and around the same height of Dean. He had green eyes, sandy brown hair, and well, looked a lot like Dean. Which was obvious to everyone except Cas and Dean.

“Dean, he looks exactly like you.” Sam whispered while grabbing a plate of food.

“What? He looks nothing like me.”

“Are you serious? He’s practically your twin!”

“I’m much better looking. He’d make a sad excuse for my twin.”

Both boys sat down at the table, sitting across from Cas and Jordan. John and Mary sat at the head of the table.

“So, Jordan, how did you and Cas meet?” Mary asked.

“We actually met at the book store in town. I invited him out to coffee for afterwards and we just hit it off.” Jordan smiled.

“Where do you go to school?” Sam questioned.

“I actually go to a private college in the next town over.”

“College? What’re you going for?” John took a sip from his wine glass.

“I’m going to be a lawyer. I’m getting my pre-reqs out of the way right now. I’m on the waiting list for Stanford and hopefully by the time I finish I’ll be able to attend there.”

“Stanford? That’s the school I wanna get into.” Sam beamed.

“Really? That’s-“

“So! Jordan, how serious are you about Cas?” Dean asked with a harsh tone.

“Oh well, I mean we’ve only been dating for around a month, but I like him a lot and-“

“You plan on going to Stanford though right? You’re just gonna leave him behind?”

“Well I-“

“Dean stop.” Cas snapped.

“Hey, I’m just asking.” Dean put his hands up in defense.

“It’s a fair question, Cassie. I haven’t really thought about that. But I’m sure him and I will talk about when it gets closer. Cas told me you two plan on going to college together though, right?” Jordan asked.

“Yeah we do, we’ve had planned since we were six, so don’t go getting any ideas that you’re just gonna take him away from-“

“Dean, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure Cas.” Dean smiled and got up from the table, Cas following behind him.

“I’m sorry about Dean.” Mary apologized to Jordan once they had exited the room, “Him and Cas have been best friends since they were little and this is the first time Cas has ever brought someone over to meet us.”

“No it’s understandable. Cassie is his best friend, he just wants to make sure I’m not gonna hurt him. I get it.” Jordan smiled.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Cas whispered harshly once they got into Dean’s room.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Dean shrugged and sat down in the desk chair.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Winchester. I told you not to scare Jordan off and that’s exactly what you’re doing!”

“I’m just making sure he’s alright for you! If he can’t answer the questions than he’s not the right one!”

“Since when do you care if someone is ‘the right one’ for me? I’ve dated plenty of other guys in the past four years and you never said anything to them!”

“Because this is the first one you’ve brought over for us to meet!” Dean stood up from the chair, leaving him face to face with Cas.

“Why does that matter?” Cas asked.

“Because I-“ Dean stopped, adverting his gaze.

“You what?” Cas took a step closer, leaving their faces inches apart.

Dean swallowed before looking back at Cas, his eyes flicking from Cas’ eyes down to his lips. “Fuck it.” He whispered before pressing his lips to Cas’, bringing one of his hands to cup his jaw. Cas responded immediately, his lips moving against Dean’s before putting his hands to his chest and pushing him off. “Cas what-“

“You don’t get to do that.” Cas whispered.

“Why not? You feel the same way don’t you? Cas I lo-“

“No! Don’t you dare finish that sentence Dean Winchester. Don’t.” Cas turned around and walked out the room.

 

“The poor kid had broken his leg and was laid up for two weeks! It was the cutest thing how Dean waited on him hand and foot. We even told him that Cas asked-“

“Mary I’m sorry,” Cas interrupted as he reentered the room, “I totally forgot I was supposed to go over to my aunt’s house in thirty minutes. Michael just texted me and reminded me. I really am sorry.”

“Oh sweetie it’s okay! You go over and have fun, we’ll see you soon. Your presents are still under the tree if you want to take them with you.” She smiled.

“Uh, I’ll come back later tonight if you guys are still up. I still have to bring over yours anyways.” He gave a weak smile and looked over at Jordan.

“Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Winchester for having me, it was lovely to meet you, and you as well, Sam.” Jordan got up and shook their hands.

“It was a pleasure. Cas, make sure you bring him over again, alright?” John smiled.

“Of course, we should get going though, goodbye. I’ll try to be over later tonight.” Cas said as they both walked out the door.

“You know he didn’t have to go to his aunt’s right?” Sam said as he picked up his plate and took it to the kitchen.

“Yes I know, I wasn’t born yesterday, Sam.” Mary laughed as she began to clear the table.

“Do you think Dean did something?” John asked.

“I’m not sure. Those two have been walking on thin ice lately.” Mary shrugged.

“I think they both finally realized how head over heels they are for each other and it’s getting to them.” John shrugged, helping Mary with the dishes.

+

**Incoming message**

**From: Dean**

**< 8:30 P.M.>**

**Cas just come back ovr so we can talk.**

**Incoming message**

**From: Dean**

**< 8:42 P.M.> **

**I’m sorry.**

 

**Incoming message**

**From: Dean**

**< 8:47 P.M.>**

**I was just upset you didn’t tell me abt Jordan.**

**Incoming message**

**From: Dean**

**< 8:52 P.M.>**

**That was a lie.**

**Incoming message**

**From: Dean**

**< 8:52 P.M.>**

**Just come back so we can talk or so I can apologize in person**

**Outgoing message**

**To: Dean**

**< 8:59 P.M.> **

**I will be there in fifteen minutes to bring over the gifts.**

**Incoming message**

**From: Dean**

**< 9:00 P.M.>**

**Can we talk while ur here?**

**Outgoing message**

**To: Dean**

**< 9:03 P.M.>**

**I don’t know.**

Cas walked over to the Winchester house at 9:15, gifts in hand. He opened the door and the house was utterly quiet.

“Hello?” He said, shutting the door behind him. He walked into the living room and found it empty. He set the gifts down underneath the tree in the corner of the room. He turned around and found Dean standing by the couch.

“Hey.” Dean said softly.

“Where’s your family?”

“They left to go get more eggnog.” Dean gave a weak laugh.

“Oh.” Cas looked around, “I brought your gift.”

“Can we talk? About earlier.” Dean sat on the couch.

Cas shrugged and sat down on the floor, next to the tree. “I guess.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to upset you or anything. I was just… hopeful. I guess.”

“Hopeful for what?” Cas tilted his head.

“That you’d feel the same way.”

“I do.” Cas whispered.

“What?” Dean’s eyebrows knit together.

“I do feel the same way.”

“But… you have Jordan.”

“No… He sorta figured it out after today; he said he didn’t want to ‘get between us’.”

“So he dumped you?” Dean asked, maybe a little too harshly.

“No, it ended on both of our terms.”

“Oh.” Dean let out a sigh, “So, where does that leave us?”

“As we were before.”

“Uh, what?”

“What?”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked, standing up to go sit down by Cas.

“Dean, we can’t. You know that.” Cas looked down at his hands.

“No I don’t know. Why can’t we?”

“How many guys have you been with?”

“Um, none? What does that have to do with us?”

“How do I know you aren’t just experimenting?”

“Cas.” Dean whispered, taking one of Cas’ hands in his own.

“Dean. We both know it’s true. Just take some time to think about it.” Cas stared at their hands, their fingers intertwined.

“I don’t need to think about it, Cas. I know how I feel about you.” Dean’s thumb traced a pattern around Cas’ hand.

“I never thought I’d be saying this.” Cas gave a weak laugh.

“Saying what?”

“I think we should just be friends.” Cas whispered.

“I can’t just be your friend, Cas.” Dean scooted closer, one of his hands coming up to rest on the back of Cas’ neck.

“You have to be.” He whispered.

Dean leant forward, letting their foreheads rest together, “Cas please.”

Cas nodded, knowing what Dean was asking. Dean leant forward and gave Cas a chaste kiss on the lips. “I’m sorry.” Cas whispered against Dean’s lips, his voice shaky. Dean brought his hand to cup Cas’ jaw, his thumb smoothed over his cheekbone.

“Is it forever?” Dean opened his eyes to look for some sort of expression in Cas’ face.

“I don’t know. I just want to make sure you know what you want. I don’t want this to be a spur of the moment thing, just because you saw me with another guy.” Cas let out a sigh. Dean nodded.

“Okay.” Dean leaned back; bringing his own hands to rest in his lap. “Should we open presents?” He smiled.

“Shouldn’t we wait for your parents and Sam to return?”

“I asked them to give us about an hour. I didn’t know how this talk would go.”

“You are incorrigible, Dean.” Cas chuckled and reached behind him to grab Dean’s gift. “Here. And don’t you dare laugh at it or I’m never buying you anything ever again.”

“Fine, I’ll try my best not to. Yours is the blue one.” Dean gestured over to the tree.

“With the sparkly bow?” Cas raised an eyebrow.

“Shut up. It was the manliest one in the store.”

“Did you wrap this?” Cas asked, looking over the box.

“Um, yeah? Why is there a problem?”

“No, it’s just really nice wrapping.” Cas laughed. “I almost feel bad ripping it open.”

“Just open it asshole.” Dean chuckled and began to take the tissue paper out of the gift bag.

Cas began to tear the wrapping paper off, finding a cardboard box underneath. He tore off the tape and found a card sitting on the top.

_Cas,_

_ This is our 12th Christmas we’ve spent together. Can you believe that? I don’t know how you’ve put up with me for twelve entire years. Anyways, Merry Christmas Cas. Here’s to twelve more. _

_-Dean_

Cas smiled and closed the card, setting it beside him. He looked back in the box to find a sweater sitting at the top. It was gray, and well, had a cheetah print on it. He held it up and started laughing.

“This has to be the ugliest thing I have ever seen.”

“Hey! I thought we weren’t laughing at the presents!” Dean laughed back.

“I said you’re not allowed to laugh, I never said I wouldn’t laugh!” Cas returned back to the box, finding more sweaters. “Is this all you bought me? Ugly sweaters with bad puns?”

“Hey there’s at least one good one!”

“Okay, the one with the dinosaurs is okay. Jesus Dean. There’s like six sweaters!” Cas pulled them out and laid them in front of him.

“I thought this was your ‘year of the sweaters’! So I bought you every ugly one I could find.” Dean smiled.

Cas got to the bottom of the box which included a ton of assorted candy, a duct tape wallet, and “A toy car?” Cas asked holding it up.

“Uh, yeah. Don’t you remember?”

“I don’t remember asking for a little blue toy car for Christmas.” Cas chuckled, rolling the car back and forth on the palm of his hand.

“You didn’t, we had just met. And you said Balthazar threw your blue car out the window. I saw that in the toy store at the mall and I remembered. So I dunno, I just got it.” Dean shrugged.

“I can’t believe you remembered that.” Cas whispered, staring at the car sitting in his hand.

Dean shrugged, “Well I told you I’d get you one. It may be twelve years late, but hey at least I got it.”

“Thank you.”Cas smiled and set the car down, “Go on, open yours now.”

Dean reached into his bag, pulling out plain dark green hoodie, a bag of beef jerky, four packages of sour patch kids, a signed copy of Dean’s favorite book (don’t ask Cas how he got it, he will just say ‘I know people who know people’), and a mixed tape.

“A mixed tape? Really?” Dean frowned.

“Dean I know we’re best friends, but after four years of sitting in the Impala listening to AC/DC, Bon Jovi, and Metallica; I’d like to play some different stuff.”

“Fine.” Dean rolled his eyes and smirked, “I guess I can put up with your indie crap every once in a while.”

“You always listen to my music!”

“That is a lie!”

“Whatever Winchester. You just don’t want your reputation getting ruined.” Cas laughed.

They heard the front door open and began packing away their gifts.

“Are you gonna stay over tonight?” Dean asked as he folded his hoodie back up.

“I don’t know. Should I?” Cas asked hesitantly.

“Castiel! You’re back!” Mary smiled as she walked into the living room, “Did you two already open up your presents?”

“Just the ones we got each other.” Cas smiled back at her, “I have yours, John’s and Sam’s too if you’d like to open them.”

“Well Sam went upstairs; he said he’s expecting a call from a girl in his class. And I think John headed to bed. But maybe tomorrow morning I can make a big breakfast and we can all finish opening them?”

“Yeah that’d be nice.” Cas nodded.

“Alright. Well you two have a good rest of the night, I think I’m going to head up to bed as well.” She smiled and walked out of the room.

After a few moments Dean asked again, “So are you gonna stay?”

“You can just call me in the morning once your mom starts breakfast and-“

“Cas shut up and just stay over.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“It won’t be weird?” Cas asked.

“No it won’t, we’ve slept in the same bed hundreds of times before. And that way I don’t have to call you in the morning.” Dean stood up and grabbed his bag.

“Why Dean, you won’t call me after tonight? I feel used!” Cas stood up as well and picked up his box.

“Shuddup.” Dean laughed and pushed Cas’ shoulder.

Even though they weren’t really sure how things would be in a day, week, month, or even a year, they knew they’d be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt really bad about ditching you guys :( So here's this chapter! Next chapter will probably be May 23-25, since semester will be ending for me! So yeah I hope you enjoy!  
> Cas' sweaters located here http://partylikeits-1989.tumblr.com/post/86044175196
> 
> I don't have a beta so any mistakes are my own


	5. Summer Day

No one in Castiel’s family knew he was gay besides Anna. Michael was extremely religious. He chose to go to a private Christian university and study to be a priest. Balthazar wasn’t religious, per se. Yeah he followed the moral conduct, don’t cheat don’t steal etc. etc. But he basically slept with whoever seemed appealing. Their mother however was huge on the whole religious thing. Church every Sunday morning and night, and every Wednesday night. They had  prayer one hour before bed and read out of Psalms every night. Hester wasn’t fond of the Winchesters. It’s not that she didn’t like them, she thought they were good people. They just needed God. The father was a drunk, leaving the mother to care for the two children. Dean was a bad influence on Castiel. And Sam; well, Sam was the only one she truly liked. Sam had often asked to join them to church and came over for a few of their prayer circles.

So when Castiel finally sat down with his mother to talk about his sexuality, let’s say it didn’t go over too well.

“You’re _what_?” Hester hissed.

“You heard me. I’m gay.” Cas repeated.

“I did not raise you like this, Castiel. I raised you to be a Christian man. Not a,” she paused and sighed, “homosexual.” Castiel nearly laughed at the way she said it. She pronounced every single syllable.

“I’m still me. I just thought you’d want to know that I like guys. Not girls.”

“I want you out of this house.” Hester closed stood up.

“Are you being serious?” Cas whispered.

“Yes. Your siblings will be coming home to visit soon. I do not want you in the house when they are here. Pack your things and leave. Now.” Hester snapped and walked out of the room.

“You can’t be serious! You’re my mother you’re supposed to love me no matter what!” Castiel yelled to the empty room. He rolled his eyes and walked upstairs and began packing his stuff. Thoughts kept running through his head, like where would he live, how would he make money, how was he going to graduate now. He threw all of his clothes in a duffle bag, (thankfully he had just donated most of his clothes to a nearby homeless shelter) and packed whatever else he would need. He grabbed his backpack and threw some stuff in there as well.

Once he was out the door he threw everything in the trunk of his car, which thankfully he bought with his own money, and he drove.

Across the street to Dean’s house.

It was the only place he knew he could actually go and be welcomed on such short notice. Another thing Castiel was thankful for was that it was a Friday night and he’d have the weekend to figure out where he could actually go until college in the Fall. He didn’t want to just walk in, so he knocked and waited for someone answer. John was the first person to the door, and when he saw Castiel on his doorstep with a dufflebag in hand he put his hand on Castiel’s shoulder and brought him inside. The other Winchesters weren’t home. Dean had gone out with Benny and a couple of other guys from the football team; and Mary and Sam had gone out for the night to see a movie. Cas explained what happened between him and his mother and John told him he was staying there until he went to college in the Fall. Naturally Cas refused, saying that was too long and he could go rent an apartment somewhere. But John didn’t have it, he said Cas needed a stable home to finish off high school, he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

John told Cas to go upstairs and put everything in Dean’s room. So he did. It was already almost nine at night, so Cas took a shower and went to bed. He didn’t want to think about the day, he just wanted to sleep.

+

Mary and Sam got home a little after 9:30. John explained that Cas’ mother had kicked him out and he was going to be staying with them. Mary agreed that was the best thing to do. They sent Sam upstairs and went to bed themselves. Mary left a glass of water on the nightstand for Castiel in case he woke up in the middle of the night. She sat on the edge of the bed placed her hand on his cheek while he slept. She never understood Hester. At first she seemed so kind and loving. Mary couldn’t understand how she could kick her own child out. She placed a kiss on Castiel’s forehead and went to bed.

+

It wasn’t abnormal to come home and see Cas asleep in his bed. It had happened plenty of times before. Whenever he came over to hang out with Sam or he had gotten in a fight with one of his siblings.

But what wasn’t normal was seeing a dufflebag full of clothes next to the bed. Something wasn’t right.

It was one in the morning and Dean was drunk. A couple of drinks with the team turned into a few shots, and a few more. Dean could barely even see straight. So he stripped off his jeans and shirt and laid in bed next to Cas. He could wake him up and ask why he was here. But he probably wouldn’t remember the conversation in a few hours. Instead he just pulled the blanket over himself and fell asleep. He and Cas could talk in the morning.

+

It was bright. Too fucking bright. God dammit why did he drink so much last night. Wait, wasn’t Cas here last night? Dean opened his eyes and looked to his right, but no one was there. He groaned and rolled out of bed. Cas’ dufflebag was still on the floor so he had to still be here. When he walked downstairs he heard the TV on and some plates being put away in the kitchen. Deciding he needed food, Dean walked into the kitchen and saw Cas sitting at the table talking to Mary. He looked so at home sitting there. One leg was propped up on the chair, his chin resting on it. He had a cup of coffee sitting next to him, no doubt that it had just as much creamer as there was coffee. Dean walked over and sat next to him, ruffling his hair as he walked by. He took the coffee cup and took a sip.

“Still don’t know how you drink this stuff, it’s too sweet.” Dean grumbled.

“Yet you still drink it.” Cas smiled and took the cup.

“So what’s the deal, why’d you stay the night last night?” Dean asked turning to Cas.

Mary stood up from the table, “I’m going to go wake up Sam and John for breakfast.” She exited the room.

“Did you have another fight with your mom?” Dean stood up from the table to walk into the kitchen and serve him and Cas a plate.

“She kicked me out.” Cas mumbled.

Dean set a pancake down on one of the plates and turned around, “She kicked you out?” Cas nodded. “What the fuck? Why?” He took both plates over and set one in front of Cas.

“I told her I was ‘homosexual’.” Cas air quoted.

“And she kicked you out?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re staying here right? You’re not gonna go off by yourself or anything?”

“No. Your father said I’m staying here, and he won’t take no for an answer.” Cas shrugged and stared at his plate of food.

“Well, good.” Dean nodded and cut into his pancake.

“Good? Good that my mom kicked me out?”

“What? No! Good that you’re staying here. Jesus, I forgot how cranky you are in the morning.” Dean rolled his eyes. “Eat your damn food.” He pushed the plate closer to Cas.

“I’m not hungry.” Cas pushed the plate back.

“No, you’re not giving me that crap. You’re going to eat. I don’t care if I have to tie you down and force feed you.” Dean pushed the plate back towards Cas.

“Tie me down? Dean is that one of your secret kinks?” Cas winked at him, making Dean blush.

“Shut up and eat your food.” He grumbled and took a bite of his own.

“Fine. Only if you promise to tie me down later.” Cas let out a laugh and starting eating.

“I hate you so much, god dammit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little short. Sorry :( but I hope you all enjoy! Not beta'd any mistakes are my own. Please keep leaving comments! I love reading them :)


	6. In My Veins

Living with the Winchesters wasn’t terrible. It was actually really easy. After the first week or so it became like living in his own house. Cas was actually more happy here than he was living with his mother. He helped Sam study every night and forced Dean to join in too. He didn’t have a job so he helped in whatever way he could. He made dinner once a week and helped Mary cook as well. He did whatever cleaning needed to be done and drove Sam to after school clubs. Eventually after a few weeks of this John and Mary sat him down and told him he didn’t need to do any of it. They were grateful that he did, but they reminded him that he still is a high school student and he should go out and hang out with friends every now and then.

Time seemed to past more quickly while living there. Dean seemed to keep him up later than usual, asking him questions about movies like, “Why does it always rain there? How do they keep their car so clean? How come everyone’s high school sweetheart is who they end up marrying?” Eventually Cas got tired of answering and would just sleep with a pillow over his head. That didn’t stop Dean though. Since they shared a bed (Cas was grateful that it was a queen sized bed so he could press himself against the wall and ignore him) Dean would take the pillow from Cas and keep talking until Cas got fed up and went into Sam’s room to sleep. He usually would just sleep on Sam’s floor since Sam only had a twin bed.

Eventually Dean got the message though. After 11:30 it was let Cas sleep time. Dean’s favorite nights were the ones where they’d stay up all night watching reruns of Seinfeld. Cas would do impressions of the characters and constantly make fun of the show. He did a spot on impression of Kramer once while Dean was drinking his soda. He laughed so hard that it came out of his nose. It was the grossest and most hilarious thing Cas had ever seen. After nearly choking to death, Dean smacked Cas in the back of the head for laughing at him.

 

They still had their moments. There were times where Dean just couldn’t resist. Cas would be laughing and his nose would scrunch up, and it was the cutest fucking thing ever. Dean would end up leaning over and kissing Cas on the temple. But the thing is, Cas never told him _not_ to do it. Because Cas had the same temptations too. Sometimes while they were driving Cas would reach over and take Dean’s hand. Just because he wanted to. They told themselves this is all it would be for now, no matter how much more they wanted, because it was for the best.

Sam caught them a few times, whenever they were downstairs together Dean would lean in a little too close to whisper to Cas. Or he’d see Cas brush his fingers across the back of Dean’s hand. Sam didn’t know if they were dating or not. But he’d be pretty damn surprised if they weren’t dating.

But that all ended in May.

The football team had thrown this huge almost end of the year party, basically just another party to get drunk. Dean kept trying to convince Cas to go, but he knew it wouldn’t be fun. It’d be Victor calling him a fag and Dean ditching him to go upstairs with some girl. So in the end he stayed home and played Yahtzee with Sam. Mary and John joined in for a couple of games before they called it a night. The two boys didn’t go to bed until about two in the morning. Sam insisted they play all the board games in the house. After nearly four hours of board games they finally went to bed. Cas was just starting to fall asleep when he heard a noise.

The door creaked open and loud footsteps entered the room. Something hit the closet. And again.

Oh right, Dean probably just got back.

“Dean?” Cas opened one eye and saw Dean taking off his jacket.

“Oh, hey Cas.” He gave a weak smile. “Why’re you up?”

Cas sat up, leaning against the headboard, “I heard you come in. Are you okay?”

Dean nodded and made his way over to the bed. He was only in his boxers now. Cas slid over so Dean could get in.

“You smell like beer.” Cas laid back down and stared at the ceiling.

“You smell like watermelon.” Dean retorted.

“Um, thanks?” Cas huffed a laugh. He threw the blankets over Dean and closed his eyes, instantly drifting back into sleep. He felt Dean scoot closer until they were shoulder to shoulder. He heard Dean’s breathing pick up so he looked over to see what was wrong. But Deans eyes were closed so Cas tried going back to sleep.

Until there was a hand massaging his thigh. What was Dean doing? Shit, Dean’s drunk, he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“Dean.” Silence. “Dean. What are you doing?” Cas stayed still while the hand continued to rub his thigh. He was getting hard, and the hand was moving higher. “Dean, stop.” Cas swallowed and Dean’s hand stilled on his thigh.

“Do you want this, Cas?” Dean turned so he was facing Cas, but Cas didn’t look at him.

“You’re drunk.” He whispered.

“I still know what I’m doing.” Dean moved closer, slowing putting one arm over Cas.

“You’ll regret it in the morning.” Cas whispered again.

“I could never regret anything with you.” Dean put his lips on Cas’ neck and placed a soft kiss there.

“Dean.” Cas let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Suddenly Dean was on top of Cas straddling him. Their faces were only centimeters apart.

“Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop.” Silence. “’s what I thought.” Then Dean’s lips were on Cas’. Soft but suddenly turning heated. Dean ran his tongue along Cas’ bottom lip, seeking entrance. Cas quickly obliged. Dean’s tongue mapped out Cas’ mouth, making Cas moan into Dean’s mouth. The dark haired boy rolled his hips up, earning a gasp from Dean. “Fuck, Cas.” Dean breathed into the kiss. He began nipping at Cas’ jaw and down his neck, rolling his hips along the smaller boy’s earning quiet moans from him. “Too many clothes.” Dean pushed Cas’ shirt up and pulled it over his head. “So beautiful.”

“Dean.” Cas gasped as Dean began to kiss down his neck.

“Shh, baby I got you.” Dean licked a stripe up Cas’ neck, earning a low moan from Cas. Dean rolled his hips along his, their erections rubbing alongside each other. “Fuck.” Dean hissed. “You still got too many clothes on.” Dean pulled Cas’ sweatpants down to find out Cas wasn’t wearing any boxers. “Dirty boy.” Dean chuckled, and he pulled off his boxers and began to kiss his way down Cas’ stomach.

Cas lifted his hips slightly, “Dean please.”

“Please what?” Dean asked as he began to kiss along Cas’ hip.

“Kiss me, blow me, fuck me, I don’t care just do something.” Cas gasped as Dean licked up his cock and took the head in his mouth. “Oh fuck, fuck fuck fuck.” Cas slowly thrusted his hips up into Dean’s mouth. Dean hollowed his cheeks and took Cas further in his mouth. “So good. Fuck Dean,” Cas babbled as one of his hand when to Dean’s hair, gripping it tightly. The older boy moaned around his cock making Cas thrust up again, “Fuck Dean I’m so close, please. Fuck.” Dean slid his mouth off of Cas’ cock and leaned back up to kiss him. He reached a hand over to the drawer besides the bed and took out lube and a condom.

“Gonna fuck you so good, Cas. Gonna make you feel good.” Dean mumbled against Cas’ lips. He drizzled some lube across his finger and snuck his hand down between Cas’ legs. He circled the rim before slowly pushing his index finger in. Cas tensed at first but slowly relaxed as Dean kept going. After a few moments he pushed a second finger in and let Cas adjust. Dean curled his fingers inside Cas, making him arch his back and let out a series of gasps and moans. He began scissoring his fingers, making the dark haired boy tremble and fuck himself onto his fingers. “Think you can handle another one?” Dean whispered and nipped at Cas’ ear. Cas nodded and bit his lip to keep from letting out another moan. Dean slowly slid the third digit in along with the others; he looked down at Cas to see if he looked uncomfortable in any way. Instead his lips were parted and head thrown back, the smaller boy bucked his hips as Dean slid his fingers in further.

“More, please Dean. Need you.” Cas breathed out. Dean slowly slid his fingers out and reached over for the condom. “Don’t need it. I want to feel you.” Cas said and looked up at Dean.

“Yeah, okay I can do that.” He nodded and slicked up his dick with lube. He leaned over Cas again and kissed him again before slowly pressing in. “Oh fuck, Cas. Oh fuck, you’re so tight.” He gasped and pressed his forehead against his. He continued to press in further until he bottomed out, letting Cas adjust. Their breaths came heavy as they both got used to the feeling.

“You can move.” Cas finally said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” Cas nodded and Dean slowly pulled out, letting the head of his cock catch Cas’ rim and thrusted back in. Cas wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist, pushing him in deeper. He started giving shorter thrusts, hitting Cas’ prostate almost every time. Dean leant down to kiss Cas again, but they end up panting into each other’s mouth. “Dean, touch me.” Cas murmured against his lips. He slipped his hand between their bodies and wrapped his hand around Cas’ dick. He started jacking him off slow at first, but quickened the pace when his thrusts became faster as well. He ran his thumb over the head of Cas’ dick, wiping precome from it.

“Fuck Cas I’m close.” Dean muttered.

“Me too. Dean, right there, oh god.” Cas’ mouth fell open and his back arched. Dean saw white as he felt Cas clench around him, coming only a few seconds later after Cas.

They lay there for a few minutes before Dean grabbed a shirt from the ground and wiped them off. It was only a few more minutes before they both fell into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ignore my awkward sex scene I'm so sorry I really suck at writing stuff like that. Sorry for the day late update! I forgot I was taking a vacation with my family this past weekend! I also start college again today so updates might be a little more spaced out, but most likely posted on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday! 
> 
> Not beta'd, all mistake are my own.


	7. All I Want

Dean woke up with something on top of him. And kissing his neck. So he must’ve been with someone last night. But who?

Oh shit.

He was with Cas.

"I know you’re awake Dean." Cas smiled against Dean’s neck and pressed another kiss under his ear.

"No ‘m not. Still sleeping." Stay calm. Maybe he’ll stop and you guys can move on. Forget it happened.

Cas gave a soft chuckle and pressed a kiss to Dean’s pulse point.

And it was impossible for Dean not to whimper a bit.

Cas sat up, straddling Dean, and smiled. He leaned down and kissed Dean, smiling against his lips, “I had fun last night.” He whispered. Leaning his forehead against Dean’s.

"Yeah I did too." Dean said. Cas kissed him again, running his tongue along Dean’s bottom lip. Dean pulled back and looked at Cas, "Cas. We should talk, about last night."

Cas looked puzzled, “What’s wrong?” He sat up again. Dean noticed this time, holy shit. They weren’t wearing clothes. At all. Fuck.

Dean put his hands on Cas’ hips and started rubbing small circles with his thumbs, “Uh, I don’t think we should’ve done what we did.” He said. Staring at his thumbs and not Cas.

"What are you saying?" Cas whispered.

Dean looked at Cas and saw him staring at Dean’s chest, “Cas look at me.” Cas slowly looked up at Dean, “Last night was a mistake. I was drunk and horny, that’s all it was.”

Cas gave out a dry laugh and started getting up, “Of course it was.” He got out of bed and started pulling on his clothes.

"You don’t have to leave." Dean said softly.

Cas pulled his jeans up and laughed again, “What’s the point of staying here? Aren’t I just another one night stand, Dean? This is what they do; they get up, get dressed, and leave.” Cas picked his shirt up off the ground and slid it on.

Dean sat up, making sure the blankets covered his lower half, “Cas, we’re friends though.”

"Friends that had sex!" Cas grabbed his phone off the desk in Dean’s room. "I’ll be back later. Or tomorrow. I don’t know." He was turned away from Dean, "And we’re not going to talk about this again." He turned around and looked Dean in the eyes, "Understood?" Dean nodded. "Good." And he left.

+

He was so fucking stupid. Of course it didn’t fucking mean anything. Sex with Dean Winchester never means anything. These past couples of months probably haven’t meant anything to Dean. The hand holding or kissing him when no one was looking. What was Cas thinking.

Now he’s gonna have to find somewhere else to live. He sure as hell isn’t staying with Dean anymore. What the fuck was he going to do? All he knew is somehow he walked over to Meg’s apartment. He knocked on the door and Meg came to the door a few seconds later.

“Well hey Clarence, what brings you by?” She drew a cigarette from her lips and smiled.

“I want drugs.” He stated.

 “Woah, you’re looking for drugs?”

 He shrugged, “First time for everything.” Meg nodded and opened the door to let him in.

 “What’re you looking for? What Crowley normally gives you?” She walked over to an end table and opened the drawer pulling out a small bag of weed.

 “No. I don’t want to feel anything for the rest of the day. I want something more than that.”

 “Sure, we can do that.” Meg nodded, “What’s got you down that you’re out looking for drugs?”

 “Doesn’t matter. Just need them.”

 “That’s fair.” She sat next to Cas on the couch, needle in hand, “How about we try a little of this?” She smiled and waved it around.

 “Is that heroin?!” Cas shrieked.

 “Well you said you wanted something more, this is more. Are you up for it or not?”

 Cas stared at the needle before slowly nodding, “Yeah okay.” He held out his arms towards Meg and closed his eyes, letting bliss take over.

+

Cas wasn’t answering his phone. He hadn’t been home in over a day and no one knew where he was. Though no one was as worried as much as Dean. He called and texted but never received a reply. It’d been at least 30 hours since Cas had left, his parents and Sam just assumed he had went to spend time with his sister or a couple of friends. Dean knew differently, Cas had left because of him. He had to go and chicken out about being with a guy, just like Cas had said. Of course Cas was right.

 Cas finally came home at one A.M. a day later. Dean heard the door to the bathroom close so he went out into the hallway and waited for Cas to come out. After a couple of minutes he emerged, and stopped in the doorway when he saw Dean standing there.

 “Dean.” He nodded and walked past him into their shared room.

 “Where have you been? It’s been two days since you left!” Dean whispered, voice harsh.

 “Out.” Cas shrugged, taking off his shirt and throwing it in the corner of the room.

 “That’s it? Out? You’ve been gone for two days and all I get is out?”

 “What else do you want me to say? That’s where I’ve been.” Cas stepped out of his jeans and kicked them over to the corner of the room.

“Look at me, Cas.” Dean demanded.

Cas turned around, looking at Dean. His pupils were blown wide and there were tiny scabs forming on his arms.

“Are you fucking high right now?”

“Maybe.” He laughed and crawled onto the bed.

“Why the fuck are you high, Cas? Where did you even get drugs?” Dean walked over towards the bed nudging Cas’ shoulder.

“Do you care Dean? You seem not to care about anything to do with me anymore. Why would you care if I’m high?”

“Because I’m your friend, Cas. Now when did you start doing drugs and getting high?” Dean snarled.

“Do you really care?” Cas smirked and placed his hand on Dean’s arm, pulling him down towards him, “Do you really want me to tell you or would you rather fuck me again?” He whispered.

“Cas I’m not gonna have sex with you when you’re high!” Dean pulled his arm away.

“Are you sure?” Cas smiled and got up, balancing himself on his knees, leaving him face to face with Dean, “Sure you don’t want to,” he put his hands on either side of Dean’s face, “fuck me? I’ll be a good boy, Dean. Be really good for you.” He smiled and brushed his lips against Dean’s.

“No, Cas.” Dean shook his head and gently pushed Cas off of him. “I’m not going to take advantage of you. Just get some sleep.”

“So what? I’m not good enough for you sober or high? What the fuck Dean? What happened to the whole ‘I love you’ bullshit? You don’t mean it anymore? Is that it?”

“Goodnight Cas.” Dean walked out of the room shutting the door behind him.

He could sleep on Sam’s floor for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the spacing looks off in these next few chapters. Word messed it up somehow. I'm writing chapter 8 now, I'm really swamped with school so the next update my take a little longer. Sorry. I'm warning you guys now, this fic does not have a happy ending (no one dies don't worry). But! This is a part of a series, a mini fic after To Drift is over, (I already have it written I just need to change a few details), and then a last multiple chapter fic taking place during college. That will have a happy ending! So when this is finished don't give up on it, I have it all planned out and it will be a happy ending... eventually.
> 
> Not beta'd any mistakes are my own.


	8. Talk

It didn’t get better between them. Cas tried to stay around the house to show John and Mary his appreciation for letting him stay, but he only stayed when Dean wasn’t there. He only had a couple more weeks left here before he went off to university. He already decided on his college, since he was accepted into four. He hadn’t told anyone what school he picked. And he didn’t intend to.

 He was happy leaving the house at midnight and going over to Meg’s until four am to get high. He was happy he didn’t have Dean constantly up his ass about eating anymore; he didn’t have to worry about it. It wasn’t until Mary pulled him aside a week before graduation telling him she’s noticed how much weight he’s lost, and how he is hardly ever here.

_“Cas, can I talk to you for a moment?”_

_“Yes, Mary.” Cas stopped at the bottom of the stairs and walked into the kitchen where Mary was._

_“I’m worried about you. I notice you haven’t been around much, and that’s fine. But you’ve also lost a lot of weight. You also seem really tired lately. Are you okay?” Mary put her hand on his arm, “I know these past few months haven’t been easy. You and Dean don’t seem as close as you used to be, I’m not sure what happened between you two, but I hope you both figure it out. Your friendship is too good to just throw away. I think you both know that.”_

_“Uh, thank you Mary. Really. I know I’ve been off,” Castiel scratched the back of his head, “It’s just been kind of rough these past few weeks. Months. I’ve just felt sort of, lost? I think.” Cas adverted his eyes._

_“You know John and I are always here if you need to talk. We consider you our son just as much as we do Dean and Sam.” She squeezed his arm._

_“I know.” He drew in a shaky breath before wrapping his arms around her. “Thank you Mary.” Squeezing his eyes shut he realized this is the most human contact he’s had since that night with Dean. Mary had always been there for him, even when he was younger. He thought he should be having these sorts of moments with his mother. The one who lived four houses away. But here he was with Mary, trying not to completely fall apart as she rubbed his back. Castiel slowly drew back and gave a weak smile._

_“I just want you to be okay. You have such a good heart, Castiel. Don’t let it go to waste.” She smiled and kissed him on the cheek before heading upstairs._

He stopped. It took a while. It took a lot of sleepless nights and dry heaving before he was completely okay. He ate the breakfast Mary made, no matter how badly he wanted to run upstairs and stick his finger down his throat. He ate it. He didn’t see Meg anymore. He was okay. He slept in Sam’s room, caught up on last minute homework he needed to turn in, bought supplies for college, he even asked Dean out to a movie. In a last attempt to rekindle their friendship. Dean agreed; they went to see some new horror flick that just came out. They were bored within the first thirty minutes so they ended up throwing popcorn at the middle school kids making out in front of them.

 

+

It was graduation today. Thirteen years of school leading up to this moment. When they would walk across the stage wearing red caps and gowns, to be handed a piece of paper and forced into adulthood. They were getting ready to walk out into the field, the boys on one side and the girls on the other. They would meet in the middle and take their seats. Of course Novak and Winchester weren’t exactly close, so there were a few rows separating the two. Castiel wasn’t sure if his mom or siblings would even show up. He knew the Winchesters would be there, and that’s all that really mattered.

 As much as Cas wanted to get valedictorian and give a speech, he didn’t do so well his sophomore year so he ended up sitting with everyone else listening to two seven minute speeches waiting for his name to be called.

 When it finally was called, he heard the clapping a few cheers, but what he heard most was Sam cheering for him in the stands. He heard John whistle and Mary yell something, he couldn’t quite make it out though.

When Dean’s turn came he made sure to cheer for him, even if he wasn’t sure that Dean had cheered for himself. Sam had yelled, “Jerk!” from the stands, Dean made sure he was handed his diploma before yelling, “Bitch!” right back at him. Giving the principal a smug smile because he was graduated now and there was nothing she could do.

 

The family went out to dinner that night, celebrating the boys. Both agreed they didn’t want graduation parties, but Dean wanted to throw a party for graduation. He asked his parents if they could stay out that night and take Sam with them. After a couple hours of asking they finally gave in, so long as Cas was there and didn’t let things get too crazy.

“I’m not going to tell you there’s no alcohol allowed because I know you’ll have some anyways. So, don’t get too drunk alright? And try not to let anyone break anything. Upstairs is off limits. There’s a bathroom downstairs if anyone needs it.” John stated. He knew Cas would handle things, but he had to make sure Dean understood as well.

 “Yes sir.” Dean smiled.

 

He had a feeling it’d be a start to a great summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better?
> 
> Not beta'd all mistakes are my own.


	9. Goodbye My Lover

Party night had finally arrived and Cas did not want to be there... at first. He knew that Dean would get drunk and probably end up in a fight. Which Dean knew was true, but hey, why not end senior year with a bang? And now it was Friday, 12 o’clock, and the party was at full throttle. Cas was in the living room sitting on the couch. He’d already had one beer, and was on his second. He knew he was a light weight, so he was taking it easy. He could already feel a buzz coming on. Dean however, had already gone through four beers, and took three shots. To Cas’ surprise, he still wasn’t drunk. Just a little tipsy. He saw Dean coming over and scooted over on the couch to make room for him.

“Heya Cas.” Dean said as he sat down.

“Hello Dean, are you enjoying the party?”

“Oh hell yeah, there are hot chicks here, plenty of alcohol and my best friend is actually drinking! How couldn’t I enjoy this party?” He laughed and slung his arm around Cas.

“Dean, I think I may be slightly drunk.” Cas chuckled.

“Well isn’t that the whole point of the party?” Dean smiled and looked at Cas.

Before Cas knew what he was doing, he surged forward and kissed Dean. Time paused and the entire party went silent, besides the music still playing. Before Dean knew what he was doing he had pushed Cas off and away from him. Cas was standing in front of Dean, looking shocked. Dean took a look around the crowd and saw everyone staring at him so he did the only thing he knew how to do and stood up.

“What the fuck faggot!” A few people whispered. “Just because I’ve had a few beers and you’re feeling handsy you think you think you can just try and make out with me?” He knew what he was doing. But he couldn’t stop. He was losing his best friend with every word he said, “out of my house, now. I’m not friends with fags. They’re not welcome here.” He pushed Cas backwards. Cas stumbled and nodded. Turning around and walking away.

He got to the door and opened it, but before he walked out he made one last comment to Dean, “Hey, Dean.”

“What?” Dean snarled.

“I’m leaving don’t worry, but just one more thing, don’t come crawling to me when you want another night of drunken sex.” Cas left and shut the door behind him.

“Dean did you really sleep with him?” Dean heard someone ask. His head was pounding. “Holy shit he did. We’ve been hanging out with a fag this entire school year!’ Dean looked around to find everyone staring at him again. One by one they started leaving too. Until Dean was the only one left in the house.

+

The next morning Dean woke up with the worst headache of his life. He looked around his room to find everything that Cas had here gone. He sat up in his bed and looked around for anything Cas might’ve left. But there was nothing. He ran downstairs, only to find his mom sitting at the table. She looked like she just finished crying.

“Mom?” He asked, slowly walking in and taking a seat next to her, “What’s wrong?”

“Castiel just came by and told me he was leaving.”

“Where?”

“I promised him I wouldn’t tell you.” She looked over at him and took one of his hands in her own, “Sweetie, he told me what happened last night.” Dean flinched, “I’m not angry at you, I just wanna know why you said the things you said to him.”

Dean shrugged, “I didn’t know what else to do.” He looked down at the table.

“He was your best friend Dean.” She squeezed his hand.

“No, he is my best friend, please don’t say was. He is my best friend.” Dean shook his head.

“Dean, honey, you have to realize what just happened. You called him what everyone has been calling him his entire life. All he had was you, and you turned on him too. Do you know what that’s like? To have the only person in your life that’s been there for you, to turn around and betray you?”

“Did he even tell you what he said to me?!” Dean pulled away from her.

“He did, he said he told everyone that you two slept together. Dean, I love you, but after everything you said to him, he might’ve felt the need to lash out too.”

“I really fucked up, didn’t I?” He gave out a cold laugh.

“I think it’s something that if you two talk out, you’ll be able to move past it.” Dean nodded.

“I’m gonna try to go call him.” He gave a tight smile and stood to go back to his room.

When he got back in his room he found his phone on his desk. He opened it and saw four missed calls from Cas, and three voicemails. He opened the first voicemail and listened.

_Three unheard messages._

_First unheard message_

_ Fuck you Winchester, I can’t believe I’ve spent the last twelve years of my life in love with you just to have you call me a faggot and kick me out. I have never done anything so low, well except tell everyone you and I slept together. Remember that? You came back from that party the football team had thrown and stumbled in the room. You started making out with me and I had no idea what to do, so I just obliged. And the next morning you said it was just some ‘drunk fooling around.’ So you know what fuck you! I fucking hate you. _

_End message. To repeat press one. To play next unheard message press two._

Dean bit his lip and pressed two.

_ It’s three AM and I have no idea where the fuck I am. I walked over to Meg’s house. You know her right? Yeah. She gave me some of that stuff she smokes. Or snorts. I don’t know how drugs work. Then she tried to have sex with me. I tried, to get into it. But I kept seeing you. How pathetic am I?  _

_End message. To repeat press one. To play next unheard message press-_

_ I just got finished taking all my stuff out of your room. You were passed out on your bed. You didn’t hear me come in. I said goodbye to your parents and Sam. I would say goodbye to you, but you don’t deserve it. Please, don’t try calling, Dean. I won’t answer. Don’t try looking for me because you won’t be able to. This is the last you’ll hear from me. _

_End message._

Dean had never felt to heart broken in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next part in this series will be uploaded after July 23rd when I am finished school. I haven't started the third installment. But I'll try to start within the next few weeks. Hope you all enjoyed.
> 
> You can listen to the playlist here https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAQbIuSqR4FGnHo1urSyGcmviUkiDgN09  
> This fic was inspired by Holly Henry's song To Drift. All chapters are song titles which are included in the playlist.


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